Jessie J – Nobody’s Perfect
Talk about understanding pain – Jessie J had a stroke at the age of 18 and now she can’t drink, smoke or do drugz…and isn’t that the real tragedy? Jessie conveys the anguish of guilt with ease in this ballad, which seems odd for someone born in the 90s, but it works. I will say, however, that in her line “I should have kept it between us, but now I went and told the whole world how I was feeling” she basically rips off Karen Smith’s apology to Gretchen Wieners: “I’m sorry I laughed at you that time you got diarrhea at Barnes and Nobles…and I’m sorry for telling everyone about it…And I’m sorry for repeating it now.” Jessie J can’t really be blamed, though – if she’s anything like my grandma after her stroke, she probably forgot she ever saw Mean Girls.

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Leona Lewis – Collide
While some people may hate on the British LL (winner of the 3rd Season of the X Factor) for completely ripping off Avicii’s 2010 jam “Penguin”­ – previously featured on this very site – I am a sucker for a commanding female voice cushioned by a simple, elegant beat. I don’t care that she “samples” from “Penguin” or her more blatant rip off of Dave Matthew’s line, “Crash into me.” If you can put aside your judge-y face (look away! look away!), you’ve got a great song to run to, complete with a crescendo that makes you wanna throw out your jazz hands. Just be careful not to get so distracted by the orgasm in your ears that you end up crashing into a car.

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Bad Meets Evil – Lighters (Feat. Bruno Mars, Eminem, and Royce)
Bruno Mars is the Arlington of the music world. He’s fine, I suppose…he gives white people a safe venture into hip hop, allowing them to go just far enough to say, “Hey, I’ve done the whole urban thing, and I am A-OK here in Virginia pop.” In reality, they never even crossed the bridge. For some reason Eminem decided to grace Mr. Mars with the intro and refrain for one of the former Slim Shady’s best raps to date. I don’t claim to be an expert in the field, but this song manages to convey Eminem’s passion without crossing into his trademark screaming. It makes me want to learn how to rap-dance (hold my crotch and bounce up and down), unlike most of his songs, which make me want to call social services for Hailie. And how can you not love a song where Royce manages to fit in the line “You goin down on something you don’t want to see…like a hairy box.” Wow. Time to get back to the suburbs.

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David Guetta – Titanium (feat. Sia)
Is there anything David Guetta can’t do? Aside from open heart surgery? The intro to this jam could be the beginning of a John Hughes film but in no time we are brought into to the Queer as Folk genre Mr. Guetta has mastered. I don’t doubt that for inspiration, Guetta sits in his studio imagining gay men bouncing around a circuit party when he creates these hits. Thank you, sir. Thank you. Also, little known fact: Titanium is an element on the periodic chart. Sia is not, because she is off the charts. I did go there.

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Tags: Bad Meets Evil, Bruno Mars, David Guetta, Eminem, Jessie J, Leona Lewis, Royce, Sia